


nobody loves me like you

by sinshine



Series: Pink Rabbits [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, M/M, More angst, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-04 10:33:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12769188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinshine/pseuds/sinshine
Summary: Kaneki broke off mid-sentence as a group of girls entered the classroom, accompanied by the sound of laughter. He watched Yoshikawa flip a lock of her long, dark hair over her shoulder.Hide raised a hand to his own hair and self-consciously touched the brittle ends.





	nobody loves me like you

**Author's Note:**

> We're killing off the option to make amends/  
> Oh darling, sometimes there's no such thing as more than friends/  
> Let's save what we can before it ends.

“Ugh, more Kafka?” Hide pulled a chair up next to Kaneki's desk. Then he proceeded to dramatically drape himself across the chair, desk, and Kaneki.

“Get out of my chair, Nagachika!” shouted one of their classmates from across the room.

“Get out of my ass, Tamura!” Hide called back amiably. He sagged against Kaneki.

“Good morning, Hide. It's not Kafka, it's Murakami.” Kaneki's eyes continued to move across the pages of the open book in his hands. He was determined to be undeterred by Hide's demands for his attention, even as hands clung to his shoulders and a head of blond hair jostled his novel.

“It says 'Kafka's On The Shore' right on it. Why are you trying to trick me, Kaneki?” Hide whined. “But I guess I'm glad that Kafka wrote a book about going to the beach. That one with the giant bug was very not okay.”

Kaneki rewarded Hide's efforts with an icy stare. Hide smiled and adjusted his grip on his shoulders, simultaneously pulling himself up and Kaneki farther down. Kaneki sighed and closed his book.

“That new game is arriving at the arcade today.” Kaneki tapped the paperback on Hide's head with the vague hope that he would let him go.

“You remembered!” Hide grinned and gave him a brief squeeze before sitting up. “So, you still wanna go with me?”

“Why not?” Kaneki shrugged and tried to feign indifference, but his gray eyes sparkled. “I go where you go. Someone has to make sure that you--”

Kaneki broke off mid-sentence as a group of girls entered the classroom, accompanied by the sound of laughter. He watched Yoshikawa flip a lock of her long, dark hair over her shoulder.

Hide raised a hand to his own hair and self-consciously touched the brittle ends.

  
  


_______________________________

  
  


“Let's take a break.”

“Are you sure?” Hide asked as he set the shopping bags on the kitchen counter. “It won't take long to get the kitchen set up.”

“You've been helping me all day,” Kaneki huffed. “At least let me pretend that I haven't completely monopolized the last of your vacation.”

“You can monopolize me _anytime_.” Hide grinned slyly as he started to unpack the newly purchased kitchenware from the bags. Then he laughed as Kaneki grasped his shoulders from behind and steered him towards the living room.

Kaneki hadn't had time (or the money) to purchase a couch yet so he directed Hide to sit in a cleared space on the floor. When Kaneki went back into the kitchen, Hide shuffled towards the nearest box and cut through the packing tape with his keys.

“That had better not be the sound of productivity!” Kaneki called from the other room.

“I do what I want!” Hide yelled back. He aggressively jingled his keys and cut the tape off of another box as noisily as possible.

Kaneki came back into view carrying two cans of soda and an armful of plastic-wrapped snacks. He tossed a package of coconut bread at Hide's head before sitting down next to him. Hide threw it back and there was a brief scuffle that involved a threat to shake one of the sodas before they settled down. They tore into the snacks and ate quietly as they looked around at Kaneki's new apartment.

“I forgot how many books you had until it was time to lift them. I'm gonna need you to be less literate the next time you move.”

“As though you don't own just as much manga.”

“Yeah, but those are mostly pictures.”

“What?”

“Your books weigh more because they're heavy with knowledge. And difficult kanji.”

“Shut up.” Kaneki laughed and flicked a ball of cellophane at him. Hide shrugged and nudged Kaneki's shoulder with his own.

“Hide,” Kaneki smiled, “I can never thank you enough.”

“Is that so? Well, I suppose a lifetime debt does sound pretty good.” Hide laughed as Kaneki shoved their shoulders together in an attempt to knock him over. After he failed to do so, Kaneki leaned against Hide with a sigh.

"Hide," he said quietly.

"Kaneki," Hide replied.

"Thank you for everything."

"You don't need to-"

"But I do," Kaneki insisted. He turned his head to face Hide and leaned in close. When he spoke, Hide found himself straining to catch every word that fell from his lips. "You know how hard it is for me to... I mean, I don't have very many people in my life. And you're so, so important to me, Hide."

"You're important to me, too." Hide's mouth suddenly felt very dry. He licked his lips.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Really-really."

Kaneki's smile lit up his whole face.

"Hide, I-"

Hide kissed him. His heart beat frantically in his chest and his hands trembled when he cupped Kaneki's face. He nearly groaned in relief when Kaneki kissed him back. His feelings were finally, _finally_ reaching him and now they could start this new chapter in their lives together and nothing would ever-

Kaneki's hands pushed on his chest, gentle but insistent.

"Sorry." Hide pulled back and apologized with a shy smile, embarrassed but pleased all the same. "Too fast? I got a little ahead of myself."

"Hide, I don't-- I'm not--" Kaneki's face was red and he looked away from Hide when he spoke. "We shouldn't."

Kaneki lowered his hands into his lap and he nervously rubbed his knuckles. Hide's smile slowly slid off his face. A cold, heavy feeling settled in his chest as he realized that Kaneki was flushed with shame.

"Oh."

"I'm sorry."

"N-no, it's fine!" Hide laughed and rubbed a hand over the back of his head. "It's fine! Like I said, I just got ahead of myself. I'm sorry that I just-- I should have asked."

"Hide..."

"Let's pretend it never happened,” Hide said hastily. “We can just forget about it. Is that okay?"

"Yeah. Okay."

The relief on Kaneki's face was a knife in the wound.

Hide stayed for a few more hours to help Kaneki unpack. They were both careful not to touch each other. When the time came for him to leave, Hide smiled just as widely as he always did and promised to text Kaneki when he got home.

_21:36. Here!!!1 see you tomorrow? :3_

_> 22:42. No, that's okay. I want to unpack my books._

_22:45. I can helppp_

_> 23:07. I also want to read without someone narrating over my shoulder. :P_

“Ugh. Things are definitely weird if you're sending me emojis.” Hide rolled over in bed onto his stomach, smothering his face in a pillow. He briefly considered death by suffocation but flipped onto his back when breathing in hot, recycled air became unbearable.

Hide stared up at the dark ceiling and listened to the muted sound of his neighbor's television through the wall. It sounded like a game show. Then, he heard the faint buzz of his cell phone lying on the bed next to him. Hide gazed listlessly at the display as it lit up.

> _23:28._ _We could do dinner. Are you free?_

_23:30._ _Of cour_ _se!!_ _:D_

Hide rubbed his hands over his eyes and left them there, blocking out every bit of light. He heard his neighbor's voice faintly through the wall. Then, there was the sound of another voice and laughter before the television was turned off. Hide lied still in the pitch-black, listening to the silence and the sound of his own breathing.

The first sob was a small thing. But they became larger and louder and Hide pulled the pillow over his face to muffle the noise. He curled onto his side, body shaking as he wept.

  
  


_______________________________

  
  


Rize was beautiful. Her stature was small and feminine, her movements fluid and graceful. She had full lips and large eyes and long, dark hair.

Hide had seen how Kaneki's expression changed when she walked into Anteiku. When his eyes shifted away from Hide, they widened in wonder. A blush colored Kaneki's cheeks and he stared for a moment before quickly looking down at his coffee. The blush crept up to his ears as she glided by their table with a swish of her skirts and the lingering scent of something floral.

In that instant, Hide hated her.

In another instant, he felt terrible for feeling so negatively about someone that he had never even met just because-- just because, what? Because Kaneki wanted to be normal and meet cute girls at college and date them?

Because Kaneki wanted to be happy with someone else?

Hide considered the idea that he might actually hate himself a little. His stomach churned with jealousy and he tried unsuccessfully to bottle the feeling up. Kaneki's texts about his upcoming date with Rize contained incorrect punctuation and sometimes even typos. Hide's replies were mostly unhelpful and sometimes a touch too bitter.

  
  


_______________________________

  
  


“No.”

“Kaneki-”

“ _No._ ” Kaneki slowly shook his head. He stared at Hide with wide eyes; one gray and one red iris. “Never.”

“Kaneki, it's okay.” Hide's voice was low and even. His hand gripped Kaneki's shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. “Everything is going to be fine, I promise.”

“I can't.” Kaneki was crying. Blood mixed with the tears and dripped down his face. He hunched over in pain as the wound in his side throbbed again.

“Yes, you can. Listen to me.” Hide shifted closer, sloshing the shallow water, and guided Kaneki's drooping head to rest on his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around him and rubbed soothing, circular patterns over his upper back. Kaneki was tense and his breaths came in short bursts, but as Hide held him his breathing slowed and he slumped against his chest.

“Why?” Kaneki whispered, his voice hoarse. Now that they had been quiet for a bit, their voices seemed louder.

“Because I'm better at making plans than you.”

“Why are you here?” Kaneki elaborated.

Hide shrugged and kissed the top of Kaneki's head. “I go where you go.”

“And what if I kill you?”

“You won't kill me,” Hide said softly, but with a sureness that didn't allow any room for argument. Kaneki was silent for a long moment and Hide continued to rub his back.

“I can't,” Kaneki sighed again. He lifted his head from Hide's shoulder and his expression was resigned. “It... it doesn't matter if I die. I should have died already. You shouldn't have come here.”

“Listen to me,” Hide snapped, his voice harder now. His hands cupped Kaneki's face and wiped away his tears. “I don't really care about should or should-not. I am not letting you leave here with a giant fucking hole in you.”

“Hide-”

“I love you.” Tears of frustration welled in Hide's eyes. “Kaneki, I love you and I am not letting you die in a god-fucking sewer!”

Hide kissed him hard. He knew that he was lying to Kaneki and that there was no way they were both going to make it out of this alive. But if Kaneki lived then everything would be worth it. If Kaneki lived and moved on and grew up and finally met that nice girl and made a family of his own.

Kaneki moaned and clutched at Hide's collar with one hand, the other pressed over his still-bleeding wound. He muttered something unintelligible into Hide's mouth and then his tongue licked curiously over his lips. Hide mirrored the action and followed it up by gently nipping at Kaneki's lower lip with his teeth. This was all the encouragement Kaneki needed to deepen the kiss, tilting his head and opening his mouth to taste even more of Hide.

Hide's eyes flickered open briefly in surprise, but Kaneki's were still closed so he shut his too. He hadn't expected to be kissed back like this and felt a little dizzy every time Kaneki's tongue slid over his own. Still, his heart felt heavy even as he tried to lose himself in Kaneki's touch.

 _Are you here right now?_ Hide wondered. Kaneki had been hallucinating just minutes ago. _Do you know I'm here? Who do you think I am? Are you kissing me or are you kissing Rize? Or Touka?_

“I love you,” Hide said once more. Tears spilled over his cheeks and Kaneki bit --

  
  


_______________________________

  
  


_It's bitter._

Hide had binoculars but he didn't want to use them. It was bad enough seeing it at a distance, plus he would have to take off his mask to use them properly. It would be dangerous to get any closer to the wedding than they already were.

Not much sound made it that far back, despite the cavernous enclosure. It must have been the unbelievable accumulation of junk in the underground city that prevented noise from traveling too far. Hide only knew that the ceremony was over when he heard the distant chorus of joyful cheering and saw the sudden explosion of movement.

Marude wordlessly put his hand on Hide's shoulder and squeezed it. If he noticed that Hide was shaking or saw that his mask was a little damp, he said nothing.

 


End file.
